Trying to Figure Out Prayer While Waiting
Well, I am juggling one less ball now and, thankfully, it is quite possibly the most terrifying of all the balls that were up in the air. I’ve had a weekend to breathe a sigh of relief and today I’m right back to the waiting game. While I don’t like the waiting, I can’t say that it isn’t a familiar bed-fellow by now. While I woke up this morning, almost tingly with expectation that, since something happened on Friday something was sure to happen today, I have slipped into a bit of a “meh” today because nothing materialized…heck, even emails went unanswered.
I did catch myself as very surprised with something today though. I realized that I had already let my prayer time start to slip. I had been rather proud (dangerous ground, perhaps) and pleased with myself that I had actually been doing a HECK of a lot better with praying going through all of this. When things came through on Friday, I tossed up a major prayer of thanks and then just started walking away. It’s a bit like I was treating God like my concierge and I didn’t even bother to tip him well. So, I tried to pick right back up where I left off, but it sort of felt…off.
Here I am, realizing my weak point, wanting to pick back up but afraid that part of it is the ulterior motive of two other issues still unresolved. Prayer is hard for me anyway. Being near-ADD, trying to focus on something like prayer can be the equivalent of trying to find the real purpose of a pinball game when I try my hand at it. There’s a goal…but there’s a whole lot of bouncing around, lights and weird sounds. It took me a while to wrestle with it all. In the end, after some wrestling, I remembered while God isn’t there as a “personal shopper,” he does want a relationship and does want to know what is going on with me. The waiting is, largely, what is going on…and parts of it are stressful, somewhat scary, frustrating, have the potential to be exciting if I could just get to them, and affect the one I love most. He wants to know all of that. He also has been using all of that to teach me things.
I don’t want to be here. I want to be past this so badly. Most of my life, I have felt that all I have done has been waiting and I want some sort of action. LIke I’ve said many times before, I’m not patient and I realize that as Christians we live “as if in the not yet” to a certain extent…but I firmly believe that the Kingdom is here. Now. And and silly as it seems, closing on a house and an email about something very important to my wife can certainly be a part of that. So, I wake up every morning and look out like Israel did when they had to gather mana every morning. Some day, there will be a house out there and, boy, will that be hard to have to gather into a basket.