I feel like I spend so much of my life waiting. You wait to get old enough to do stuff. You wait in lines (the ones in Wal-mart are the worst…I’m becoming more and more convinced that ol’ Wally World is an annex of Sheol). You wait for Friday. For 5:00. For dinner. It never ends…and I hate it. I hate spinning my tires in idle. I hate feeling like I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.
And waiting seems to be an important part of the spiritual life. Doesn’t that just give you warm fuzzies? It makes me want to throw my arms up and walk away from it all sometimes. God has an interesting sense of humor on top of being our Parent. Years ago I felt the call to my special purpose. I tried to follow but I know now that I wasn’t quite mature enough and the time just wasn’t right. I got burned; I got scared and I ran. Several years later, I decided to play substitute with God. The old “What you want me to do doesn’t really thrill me so what about if I do this for you instead” routine. God let me indulge in that (and I think do a fairly good job) but I realized that, as scary as it was, I would not be happy if I didn’t do what God made me to do. I let God take me to the mat, ate some crow and started to actually get me excited about the possibility. So, of course God would come in on his white horse, do his God-ly duty and make everything fall into place. I’ve heard it happens like that sometimes but only very rarely for me. So, I’m still waiting, but I’ve never been patient.
I know that it’s for my own good. Apparently, I still need to learn patience and other things but it weighs on me. Lately, I’ve had other weights around my neck. I keep saying that the “period” term is out of sorts, but there is a term older than the 18th century that we still use today, “dark night of the soul.” Thanks to St. John of the Cross, I think I have the best term for what I’m experiencing. Still, in the midst of the darkness, I can appreciate the light that I see. God answered some prayers Wednesday night. I have hope that situation will continue to brighten. Wednesday was also the third time recently I was reminded about a situation in Job. Through all of his suffering and the unhelpful advice of his friends, Job just wants to confront God and lay out all the questions he has. If anyone had a case, it was Job. He lost his kids (10 of them), sheep (flocks of them), camels (herds) and legitimately all hope that he would ever have comfort or security again. Finally, God shows up but before Job gets his say, God has a few questions of his own. They go on and on. It is nearly 4 whole chapters (if I remember correctly) that God talks and then he let’s Job go.
Job doesn’t ask questions. None of his questions were answered. But, in front of the storm, Job simply says,”
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
God showed up. That was enough.
I’m jealous. I want that. I could be all right then, I think. The waiting. The seemingly pointless stretching out between the call and fulfillment. I honestly believe if he’s just show up…that could be enough.
On a night without a lot of peace…Pax.